Welcome to Why Is Kevin Spacey A Cat? Week, a celebration of the film Nine Lives, being released this Wednesday. A celebration and yet also a pondering because, really, why is Kevin Spacey a cat?


This week on The 405 Film we are celebrating the release of Nine Lives. Siân has kicked off this groundbreaking week of content with an inside look into the films of years gone by where animals found themselves both with and without a voice—a disturbingly similar parallel to a lot of the world’s problems.

It’s now time for some real talk, or #realtalk, its social media relation. Kevin Spacey is an incredible actor and has had a colourful, varied career that covers video games, television shows and more. But what if—just what if—he was not Kevin Spacey in any of those films. What if he was a cat instead? What would his character have been like? In this exclusive article, we bring you the alternative guide to Kevin Spacey films…..if he was cat in them.

American Beauty

An absolute classic of a movie and one that rightfully won a lot of Oscars but imagine how much better it would have been if Kevin Spacey was actually Kevin Spacey transformed into a cat. Lester Burnham would not have imagined a sexual Mena Suvari on the ceiling of his bedroom; instead he would have imagined a salmon, jumping over rapids just to get closer to Kev Cat’s whiskers. The scenes where Kevin was driving a car could only be explained in the way that the newer Air Buddies film explain the reason the animals talk: it’s because they do, god dammit.


Another classic that pitted two detectives against a quick witted and brutal serial killer who used the seven deadly sins as his modus operandi. If you feel no fear from John Doe being played by a cat and showing little remorse whilst Brad Pitt realises the fate of his beloved then you have no soul. How about we take this one step further? Brad Pitt is actually played by a Pitbull and what plays out is the most ludicrous tale of cat and mouse ever committed to celluloid. Ok: cat and dog but if you’re going to be that way you probably won’t enjoy the film.


Kevin Spacey doesn’t even have a face in this film. He’s a floaty robot thing that helps Sam Rockwell around the space station. Or does he? If he was a cat, then poor Sam would at least have a "friend" that suits the name GERTY. As well as being not loyal, he would waste time lying on Sam's feet, not helping out when he should be, and would always bring dead animals (somehow) to his doorstep. Wait, what?

The best thing about Kevin Spacey as cat being inside GERTY is that every response would be meow. Imagine this scene from Moon:

GERTY: Meow meow meow meow, meow?

Sam Bell: No, my tummy's a little tender, actually. But, thank you. Thank you, GERTY.


Horrible Bosses

No real need to explain much here. I just want to see Jason Bateman’s life ruined by a cat and him just not know what the sweet f**k is going on. Imagine being fired by a cat.

The Usual Suspects

The final film in the list is the most complicated to pull off if Kevin Spacey was a cat. There’s a scene in the film where Verbal Kint hobbles into a lineup. Is it even possible for a cat to hobble; wouldn’t it just wobble and fall over? We haven’t even touched on how hard it would be for a cat to smoke a cigarette or sit in the detective's office recapping the horrific story of how Keyser Soze managed to manipulate all of his friends. If anything, it would probably make The Usual Suspects an art piece and compared to the auteurs of Truffaut and Goddard.

There are my five films that could and should have Kevin Spacey replaced by Kevin Spacey playing a cat. If you agree, reply to me on Twitter @baconchin. If not, do the same.