I want to start off with a story. Last Christmas my parents rented a chateau in the French countryside, we drove over there as a family and spent a wonderful week eating baguettes, reading books and speaking broken French to wide-eyed locals. My brothers (24 and 32) and I stayed up one night, like kids, and looked through the dusty DVD's on the shelf underneath the television for something to watch. What we found was In the Name of the King: A Dungeon Siege Tale, directed by Uwe Boll. You'd think that a 10-word film title would have set off alarm bells for us, not at all.

I want to thank Uwe Boll for that night; we had an absolute riot. It was quite possibly one of the worst films we'd ever seen; costume, design, performances, screenplay -- all completely shit. Almost a year later in our group texts we quote the worst lines and send each other crap stills from the movie. That night is a treasured memory in the Ralph family. But, it still doesn't stop the film from being shit though, does it?

Uwe Boll is not known for making brilliant movies. In fact, his reputation states quite the opposite. What he is known for is very loosely adapting video games to the big screen, spending far too much money and being one of this centuries worst directors. His film Alone in the Dark, which was budgeted at $20 million, made $5.1 million on its opening weekend, and his first BloodRayne film, which was made for $25 million, made $2.42 million. The least profitable commercial performance of his career was, an old Ralph family favourite, In the Name of the King: A Dungeon Siege Tale, which grossed a little over $10 million worldwide on a $60 million budget. Looking at these figures you wonder who the hell keeps paying the bill?

There is something interesting, however, about the fact that my Brothers and I enjoyed his film so much. Just because we didn't enjoy it for the right reasons, does that make it a bad film? Well... yes it does, but there is a small margin of value there and that's what makes Uwe Boll brilliant. Brilliantly shit.

First of all, a low budget is not an excuse so long as it's used correctly, which it clearly isn't in the hands of Uwe Boll. There are plenty of ways to make low budget films look outstanding without blowing it all on a big purple CGI dragon -- as seen in In the Name of the King III: The Last Job (real title, wish I was joking.) Also casting isn't always the biggest issue for Boll either; the first Dungeon Tale film starred Jason Statham, Ron Perlman and everyone's favourite human-shaped marble slab, Leelee Sobieski. Even the second one had Dolph Lundgren in it! However, Boll's ability to draw out a screen-worthy performance from any of these artists is nil. You can tell right off the bat, first shot, first scene, it's abundantly clear that nobody wants to be there. Well, I say clear, no one really knows what Sobieski is thinking at any given moment, there's absolutely no life behind those eyes. The costume department is either starved of any discernable skill or completely starved of budget. Either way we're left with obvious rubber armour, knitwear instead of chainmail and really really really dumb looking helmets. These things play a huge part in why Boll's films are hilarious, but they also are a huge reason why his films are terrible. Mismanagement of budget + lack of any decent directing skill = a big Boll of shit.

He writes most of the screenplays himself. I'll wait for a moment until you get over that huge shock. The stories themselves, at their core, might be workable. The inane roundabout dialogue ever searching for its purpose is extremely unbearable at first and then, if you can wait for it, becomes absolutely gut-busting. Here is a direct excerpt from In the Name of the King: A Dungeon Siege Tale. These are the very first lines of the entire film:

Muriella: I knew you'd come.

Gallian: I told you I would.

Muriella: I mean, I felt it. I felt it before you came.

Gallian: I did tell you that I would come.

Muriella: Yes, but I think my powers are growing. I felt you coming.

Gallian: You are developing your powers well, Muriella. Our time together is paying off!

I know. I know. It hurts just to read it, doesn't it? Try this one:

Norick: So this is where we pay for our sins?

Solana: No. This is where we pay for our virtues. But sins are also welcome here.

What?! What does that even mean? Some of you might be thinking that out of context these lines are going to feel strange but I promise you, in the actual film, in context, these lines make no sense either. They might not be good, or have any real purpose but they are forever quotable and nearly at the point where they're so bad that they're good again. Nearly. Not quite. Pair the awful script with unenthusiastic actors and you've got the perfect recipe for a trainwreck. These are just examples, please take the time out to find more Uwe Boll films and see for yourself. They're all appalling, pointless and fantastic.

What I can say for Boll, is he tackles the most outrageously ambitious projects with seemingly no fear and no sense. Sure, he doesn't learn anything with each new failing film, but, he still goes for his life! Someone, needs to give him a gold star for trying. He goes up against all odds; finding funding, cast, crew, distribution and every single time his films are still flops. At some point someone's just got to stop pointing and laughing and actually start giving him a round of applause. Who else can say that they are that relentless? Who, here, has ever given up on a dream when it got too hard? I sure have! I drop dreams like spare change when the times get tough, but not our old mate, Boll. Uwe Boll charges forward, continues to make his poorly executed 2-hour-time-suck's and doesn't stop for anything or anyone. Not even the whole world shouting "Please, for the love of God stop making movies, Uwe Boll!" can make him stop. Boll says "No." and carries on with his dream. He even made a documentary about himself and called it Raging Boll -- this is 100% fact and utterly hysterical. Aside from wasting time, money and effort, Uwe Boll really isn't doing any harm. He might be completely shit at his job but at least it's funny.