In 2016, the film industry finds itself in a precarious place. While excellent movies continue to be made, they are consistently threatened and overshadowed by the massive franchises that gross billions worldwide. Movies keep getting bigger. As we welcome the New Year, we wonder, just how big can they get?

The year is 2019. We are three years into the rule of President Trump, who has just instituted widespread censorship of the arts because he has, at last grown tired of the "haters and losers" on Saturday Night Live. Besides banning SNL from the airwaves, Trump has instituted key standards by which all TV shows and films must abide; they must be "big," "very good," and "so big."

The studios scramble. They are at a loss. Movies have been growing bigger, but what will they do now that bigger is not big enough?

There is one answer. Literally, only one film is released in 2020. No other films meet the criteria put forth by the President. Myriad superhero films assumed to pass the bill are censored for being "too soft on Muslims." Some other films "have black people in them." In another, "a woman gives an opinion." These films have been lost to history, eaten by one of Trump's adult sons.

The film that makes it through is big, very good, and so big. It is called Transform into Furious, the hybrid franchise that at last brings together Transformers and The Fast of the Furious, two of the most dependable franchises in Hollywood history. The biggest stars, the biggest special effects, and cars that go fast and may or may not turn into robots; this is what going to the movies is about. This is what America is about.

To prepare for their roles, co-stars Mark Wahlberg, Dwayne "The Rock" Johnson, and Vin Diesel took Method acting to the next level.

"We got together, and Vin said, 'I love Transformers, especially how they transform,' said Wahlberg. "And I said, 'What if we, y'know, transform?"

And so, like the toy-robot cars of lore, and more broadly, the film franchises themselves, the stars fused into Mark "The Rocks" Dieselberg, literally (and perhaps figuratively) the biggest movie star of all time. Thanks to the miracles of modern medicine "The Rocks" can speak coherently out of one of its three mouths, and can bench press 4500 pounds. Onscreen, the ambling pile of muscle is an awe-inspiring and frankly horrifying sight to behold.

The movie clocks in at 30 minutes, 28 of which are explosions. Twelve Transformers are murdered defending the Statue of Liberty, and two Transformers have tasteful sex. There is only one instance of dialogue, where an unnamed, scantily clad woman says hello to "The Rocks," and it grunts indiscernibly in reply. The film is dedicated to "The Troops, as well as the Haters and Losers."

Rotten Tomatoes ranks Transform into Furious ":'(" percent. It grosses 8 trillion dollars worldwide.