Hello, class. Please take your seats quickly and quietly, we have a lot to cover. Today we will compare and contrast two very different types of performing artists.

The actor vs. the movie star.

In the specific, defending the movie star position we have Soft Cheese, I mean Brie Larson. Her upcoming film is Captain Marvel – please study the embedded trailer below. Put your hands down, yes there will be a quiz.

If you take a wheel of brie and wrap it in a pie crust with strawberry preserves and then bake until golden brown, that's a great way to enjoy brie. As Captain Marvel, not so much.

On the actor side of the equation stands Rip… I mean, Sigourney Weaver. It has probably been decades since you watched the trailer for Alien, so bone up by enjoying it again.

The juxtaposition of these two trailers reveals two important things. Making a good trailer seems to be a lost art, and Ridley Scott is an artist. You still want to watch Alien, right? But not so much Captain Out-of-her-League.

Is it an unfair comparison to pit these two women against each other? Let's take a look-see.

The character of Captain Marvel was a man from inception in 1967 until the Dread Pirate Roberts-like promotion of the Carol Danvers character in 2012. The role of Ripley was written for a man but director Ridley Scott decided to change it to a woman. So, they both won roles that were originally designed for a man.

Sigourney was 30 when Alien was released. Brie is 29. Sigourney is 5' 10" while Brie stands 5' 7" – this matters, and it also doesn't, as you will see.

They both have long lists of credits but there is a distinct difference in their early work and this goes to my point, which is that Weaver grabs your attention as Ripley and won't let you go. You absolutely believe she is that tough, that capable, that she can pilot a fucking spaceship and kill an unkillable monster.

When Mr. S. Jackson asks if the good Captain knows how to fly a space-jet ship plane thingy, it's something we all wonder. When she says yes, it's not convincing. At all. I'd be on the phone with Expedia trying to change my reservations.

This has nothing to do with the innate intelligence of either woman. It's something else entirely, and that is called acting. And how those skills were developed, especially in their early careers.

Weaver worked on stage in some fucking heavy plays. "Streetcar Named Desire". "Gatsby". Plus a bunch I don’t even know. Look them up. These are not fluffy, happy shows. They are spill-your-guts-on-stage-every-night shows. This woman did some fucking heavy lifting, the kind where you need two spotters, so that by the time she read for the part of Ripley she had something to show. Something interesting. Something special.

It's called a lot of things. Sand. Gravitas. Presence. Bearing. Balls. You know it when you face it because it’s not at all common anymore. It fucking stands out. Dame Judi has it, for example. From all I can tell, male or female, this shit is earned.

For women in our society, height is often a factor but the two women are close enough. Weaver is tall but not NBA-like and Larsen isn't diminutive by any means, so height is a wash.

Larsen boasts early casting in Touched By an Angel and Raising Dad and Sleepover – see where this is going? These might be dramas but they aren't anywhere near the same intensity. She hasn't been broken and healed stronger. I mean, as an actor. She has been able to keep working, but in all the same kinds of roles. Good for her, most aren't that fortunate.

But training in the Brie Larsen-type roles won't turn a young female actor into Ripley. It takes hardship to make the kind of hardness Ripley (reluctantly, but eventually) displays, and dealing with a clutch of mean girls doesn't get it done.

The studio execs are counting on adolescent virgin geeks to fill their first weekend coffers, young males playing pocket pool every time Larsen smiles on screen or stands with her boobs in profile.

But jumping jeebus on a pogo stick, I just don't fucking believe her in the role of a hero, super or unleaded. And it isn't facial expressions, or because she's pretty. She doesn't hold my attention as a character. She ain't got nothing going on behind that face.

Brie Larsen is a movie star but she isn't an actor on par with her predecessors in female action hero roles. She is playing at the role and not being the role. Which is fine, she's making bank doing what she's always done. No reason for her to fuck with what's worked.

Except she just did. Oopsie.

At the end of it all, we will be enthralled with Ripley decades after this dreadful Captain has passed into various Worst Ever lists.