Coming Attractions
How bitter-sweet the feeling of taking your seat at the cinema, seeing the new trailers before the main feature and knowing they were probably more exciting than the movie you're about to see. Here's a round-up of the latest numb bum baiters, broken down for your convenience, and not an Orange Wednesdays ad in sight. The Town
0:05 The WB logo is a reassuring sign of quality, and it's quickly followed up with a shot of a nun wielding a machine gun – double whammy! 0:12 It's Jon Hamm! We know Mad Men is cool, so we're pretty sure this will be. 0:14 We seem to be in the middle of a bank heist. The score is tense and mysterious, the perpetrators are masked. This is reminiscent of The Dark Knight trailer. Good. We liked The Dark Knight. 0:28 The Legendary Pictures logo was in the trailer for The Dark Knight. What a great trailer that was. It had guns and an explosion! 0:33 Ooh! Is that the girl from The Prestige? She was really good. Did Christopher Nolan have anything to do with this? 0:36 It's Ben Affleck! Lucky not to be the “Don Swayze” to Casey Affleck's “Patrick”, but underrated and tiresomely vilified, nonetheless. Let's give him the benefit of the doubt. 0:44 “THIS FALL” So it's going to be one of those trailers. Not one that will leave us thinking “Gosh, that looks good, when is it out? When, when, when??” but one that tries unconvincingly to say “DROP ALL YOUR PLANS THIS FALL, BECAUSE THIS IS HAPPENING!” 1:00 Ben Affleck's father is in prison, which makes him a tortured and interesting soul by proxy. 1:01 “FROM THE ACCLAIMED DIRECTOR OF GONE BABY GONE” Hmm. Didn't see it, but vaguely recall hearing it was good...and it says “acclaimed”, which is the same as saying “good”, right? This also explains the presence of Ben Affleck. 1:06 The guy from The Hurt Locker, which again, I missed, and again, was “acclaimed”. He was in TV's Angel once though, and he was quite good. He seems to be Ben Affleck's carer. 1:12 Owch! A face gets slammed into a glass coffee table. This guy has taste. The giant words tell us that this movie is “FROM THE STUDIO THAT BROUGHT YOU THE DEPARTED” which means it will definitely be as good as The Departed. You know, like when the Se7en trailer mentioned its stars were the stars of Driving Miss Daisy and Legends of the Fall? 1:13 Lindsay Lohan emerges from the bathroom, where she has probably just done lots of coke...wait, is that her? 1:20 A shoot-out with police. Maybe it's Heat and not The Dark Knight this is reminiscent of... 1:25 If it's black and white, it's a flashback. You've probably seen older films that were entirely black and white. Like that, see? 1:28 Pete Postlethwaite doing an accent should, as ever, help to remind us we're watching a movie – that way we don't get too engrossed. 1:41 Ben Affleck reveals himself to be one of the masked criminals!! No, of course that's not shocking, the surprised tone is due to the sudden realisation that the film of which this is most reminiscent is actually Point Break! 1:45 Some very telling images of a baseball field. The pieces are falling into place... :15 A good 30 seconds of hammy dialogue,mostly from Jon Hamm are largely forgotten with the better-late-than-never arrival of this trailer's explosion! Pow! But it's a bit wimpy. Poo. 2:20 The music builds to a crescendo and the sudden silence tells us this will be the coolest line of dialogue in the trailer: “I'll see you again – this side or the other.” Chilling. 2:25 “THE TOWN” Having the name of the movie appear at the end of the trailer is not only a tease, but also means we won't forget it. Unless it's boring and apparently unrelated to the images we just saw. All that remains is to feature a fast crawl of the credits, ending that discussion between the couple in front of you, with the guy insisting the dad was Michael Douglas, and the girl insisting it was the guy who plays Ken Barlow on Coronation Street. SAW 3D
0:07 The sombre chiming of a bell, the sight of the sky – immediately, two things I wasn't expecting from a Saw trailer. The third would be anything good. 0:16: “THE LAST ACT is a dubious promise from a franchise on its seventh instalment. 0:18 The trap looks rather dull and generic. It's ok to do that now, because 3D makes dull and generic things amazing, like the dull and generic plastic villain from Avatar. 0:23 Tobin Bell's forward-thinking antagonist 'Jigsaw', whose plan for a hollow, and let's face it, disproportionate revenge has now survived him by four movies. 0:24 The iconic creepy...puppet head...thing. 0:30 Halloween is a great release date for a horror movie, as it will mean you can be out of the house during irritating trick-or-treat time and back in time for a costume party. 0:32 Cary Elwes! I heard he was in this. And the other guy...no, wait, these are images from the first movie. Well, recycling is the responsible thing to do. 0:37 “Now it is your turn to play” - this seems like a death threat, in context. 0:43 “SHOT IN STATE OF THE ART 3D” would probably be exciting, if the novelty hadn't worn off already. 0:46 Sure enough, it appears the gist of the trailer is the massacre of the audience. At least they're being honest about it. 0:50 Some fantastic actors portray the terror of being caught in Jigsaw's BDSM rollercoaster seatbelts. I do hope they have expanded roles in the film. 1:00 During the preceding ten seconds we've been subject to some thrilling examples of the types of things we can expect to see flying toward our faces in stunning 3D, but none more so than this sequence, in which one of the guys from Slipknot, wearing a kinky animal mask from Eyes Wide Shut reaches out to pluck an audience member from his seat, just like in the other films in the series. Avoid the front row for this one, then. 1:05 There's Cary Elwes again! His appearance is a distraction from the question posed by the trailer: “WILL YOU SURVIVE...UNTIL THE END” - do they mean the end of the trailer? At least we assume it's a question, as there was no question mark. 1:10 The trailer wraps up by sending a rocket sled through a screaming girl and out at us,the audience. “The last piece of the puzzle is you.” Well, you always end up with one piece missing, don't you? The Green Hornet
0:12 Seth Rogen follows what appears to be a mini fridge through a balcony window. He is Seth Rogen. 0:15 Seth Rogen wakes up the morning after the night before. He is still Seth Rogen. There are some flashbacks to some particularly Seth Rogen like behaviour as Seth Rogen is berated for behaving like Seth Rogen by his father, as portrayed by... 0:18 ...Tom Wilkinson! Yay! Tom Wilkinson is great. In The Bedroom! That's a film he was in, not a scenario in which he is great. It might be though. 0:23 Is that...it is! It's the Oscar winning star of the enormously fun Inglourious Basterds...well, whatever his name is, he's brilliant! And a nice early explosion! This could be good. 0:30 Seth Rogen is giving a lady the Seth Rogen treatment in a stretch Humvie. Oh. It doesn't look as though Tom Wilkinson features too heavily. 0:35 Seth Rogen does his 'serious face'. This is the point at which he will stop behaving like Seth Rogen, step up and be a man. 0:38 Kato! This is beginning to share some commonalities with, well, The Green Hornet. 0:50 Cool! Black Beauty flips up from under the floor. That's the car, not the horse, of course. Seth Rogen shouts “Woah!” Haha. “Woah”. 0:55 Guns. Lots of guns. Seth Rogen whispers “Woah”, to show it's more serious this time. 0:58 Seth Rogen discusses his destiny with Kato. Over a beer. 1:06 A first glimpse of the suits! The producers must have been so relieved to discover The Green Hornet and Kato dress in black, since X-Men proved colourful costumes are gay, but black leather is the height of cool. 1:22 Seth Rogen and Kato have their obligatory awkward bromance moment. Its inclusion in the film is necessary to show that these guys are close, and its awkwardness is essential to show overtly and unequivocally that there's nothing gay about it. 1:26 The fights are in slow motion, like all fights nowadays. As we know, this is to pad movies out to feature length without any need for extra baggage like plot. 1:35 The trailer does a fairly good job of conveying the movie's unique selling point, i.e. the fact that The Green Hornet embraces his vigilante status and exploits it by mixing with the criminal element, appearing to be one of their own. Whether the movie itself conveys this theme so well remains to be seen. 1:37 Cameron Diaz rocks up as Seth Rogen's secretary, Casey. Seth Rogen gives her the patented Seth Rogen cheeky nod. Though the character came first in every other media, it's difficult not to draw parallels between her and Pepper Potts, as portrayed by Gwyneth Paltrow in Iron Man. Perhaps because this film seems to have taken all of it's cues from Iron Man tonally. 1:43 Hopefully, Christoph Waltz enjoyed making this. It's certainly not the follow up role befitting his memorable Tarantino turn. 1:44 Kato uses his spectacular skills to knock a poorly rendered CG bottle cap off the top of Seth Rogen's beer. Duuuuude. 1:55 Because this is the 21st century, deference to The Green Hornet's iconic gas gun goes by the wayside in favour of a pratfall. It's safe to assume that any study of Seth Rogen's character flaws is abandoned once they suit up, in favour of a hilarious display of his physical ineptitude. 2:05 Not really sure what's going on here. Kato performs a rather cool takedown, which is swiftly ruined by an unexpected and jarring Matrix style effect. Hmm. 2:10 Seth Rogen spraying the busy streets with gunfire and screaming. Of self indulgence. 2:16 The obligatory post-title piece of funny cool, and the final Seth Rogen line from Seth Rogen that confirms this is to be a Jeeves & Wooster/Don Quixote & Sancho Panza dynamic. Seth Rogen remains stubbornly Seth Rogen. Which, to be fair, could be fun.