WE MADE IT! January is but a few hours away from disappearing. I wish you could be more like January, Lorde. It's an impressively arrogant move to conclude that just because one person (me, you ninny) doesn't like something that it's empirically not a good, something. However, I have found a cure for your crying empty wallet, your laptop back pain and under-eyeball bags. Blame Lorde. I have blamed the little clown for every wrong doing of the world this week and it works. The brand new mosquito net I bought that arrived sporting a huge gaping hole in it? Lorde did that. That guy who swerved left into traffic when he was in actual fact turning right? Lorde's fault. Nuclear crisis? Lorde, you're off your rocker with that one grrrl.

I feel about Lorde, the way some people feel about plastic surgery. It is absolutely, a terrible reflection of the decrepit state of morality in current society - unless I need it, in which case, everybody be chill. Although I have yet to scientifically prove that she doesn't actually exist, there must be an ancient feud between our two families that I have yet to receive an owl-telegram about. Specimen A: she's running around covering Son Lux and James Blake which, true to form is the epitome of a horror story. I'm not known for mathematical equations but for the sake of justification and naysayers, I deduce; This + This = this.

When we reached out to confirm Lorde's, Imagine Dragons and Macklemore's unwarranted hype and if their talent was simply just hiding out somewhere taking a break, we thought the noble thing to do was to ask Pharell's hat if he knew anything, any news at all! The hat refused to comment, because, it's a hat and can't talk. I did manage to get some answers from the night's big winner for Best Dressed Male; Madonna. She told me she's just excited to show the African orphan children where she actually keeps her money - in that gorgeous gold-teethed grill of course! Beats bank rates I suppose. Clever dude.


The Golden Grammy's

More like The GRANNY'S amirite?! Here's a look at the full list of winners and some key performances our trusty team picked out for you. Let's veer away from the fact that Pharell's hat looked like it was about to announce he was part of Griffyndor (#100daysofharry) and talk about how glorious it would be to see Bruno Mars and Pharell's hats battle it out in a jousting duel to the death! I would pay every penny I've saved from not buying Bruno's album, to see that.

Daft Punk helmetted the competition by winning Album of the Year, Record of the Year, Best Pop Duo/Group Performance, Best Dance/Electronica Album, Best Engineered Album and they didn't even have their hands full - they just kept all the Grammy's in Producer of the Year Pharell's hat. Okaaaay. I'll stop now.


Azealia doesn't Bank on Old White Men

I'm waiting with baited breath for an episode of Hoarders where they open the steel storage unit and find Azealia rapping right next to piles of half eaten chicken wings and dead weaves. Azealia darling, seeing as though we're in the habit of begging, could I throw my few cents change into your empty ranch dressing container and beg for you to stop making music? I admire her deeply for being so polite to at least ask if her record label Universal, could drop her. Whilst she consoled herself with snacks, DVD's and blue cheese, Lorde was waging war in Afghanistan so I vote for those supposed "old white guys" to just let her free.

"I had a nice cry now I'm going now I'm going to get some wings" said Azealia. If this isn't a great advice to her young fans about what to do in a crisis, stick a giant pineapple in my ear - I must be positively fruity!


Outwit, Outplay, OutKast

OutKast will be on a 40-festival tour rampage soon after confirming they'll be playing this year's Bestival and Wireless. Primavera is literally the only festival that hasn't booked them on the bill. There's been many pieces written about the supposed repercussions OutKast will have on the business model for headlining acts and musical festivals. That conversation is ongoing, I'll report back.


What The Late Shows Show Us

From time to time I'm going to carry out sporadic segments about the musical bookers of late show television programs. By segments I mean momentary praise-givings. This week is David Letterman's booker, Sheryl Zelikson who is known for discovering White Stripes when Lorde was still in diapers. If ever there were budding talent scout's wondering what they were doing wrong, they need only to watch these bookers at work, to feel insurmountably worse about themselves.

I first thought the Arctic Monkey's lead singer was wearing a hair net on their recent performance on Dave Letterman. They looked as though they were posing for stills not performing for thrills but it definitely got better toward the second half when the mirror detail reflected on his face like a full moon would to a calm lake. Handsome fucker. "My goodness oh my gosh that was great" says Dave straight after the Dum Dum Girls played 'Rimbaud Eyes'. So? Fantastic performances all week round.

What's really under Pharell's hat? Click here, but come back so I can bounce you on my knee and make it all better.