Pour some sugar on me! It's time. Stop crying over the spilt milk that Lily Allen poured on her dancing props, okay? Can everyone just calm their jiggly-bottoms please? We've all seen this before. Stale-Saggy-Baggy-Vaggy Lily Allen is standing up for 'us' again with an ironic high-heeled parade. I've never burnt a bra or written my memoirs in leftover Oreo Cookie-wrappers before, but I fear my 'you go girl' discourse has err, run its course.

I remain a fan of hers and enjoy that she continues to create meaningful social commentary and conversations. Yet, I'm struggling to beat around the feminist bush with you Mother Allen. This song is as rubbish as the tit-bits you bring to the fore and I'll follow your cue by calling a spade, a bitch, when my woman-bits dry up. Spending four years clutching your new born, telly-flicking through channels, waiting excitedly for musicians to mess up only to spring out from behind the hospital ward curtains with black lips and long nails - is not enough. For shame!

My current day-mares consist of all the different montages of Drake's various eyebrow shapes and no, I will not watch him flapping about for 10 minutes in his new video. The world has taken a big huge steaming pile of Rob-Ford on us over the passed few weeks; we lost a musical legend, some Iranians and a member of pussy riot.

... and here I am, playing with your shit world. Playing with your shit...

Be The Open Letter You Want To See In The World

Come Christmas time, children will be writing open letters to Miley Cyrus, instead of open letters to Santa. "Phew" Amirite parents? Phew!

There is now something called TwitLonger. With one frail spotted hand on the keyboard, the other clutching their toupee's and under eye anti-wrinkle creams; these letters, autobiographies and lengthy interviews are continuing. The only favourable outcome is that children are reading again! But, what's that smell you ask? But the rising cronut-dough of 'chance' and 'hope' bubbling in the convection oven labeled 'Youth'. Mmmm.

Speaking of the wasted youth, I just visited Myspace wanting to leave a note of sadness at their recent employee cull and the place is completely trashed! EP covers sprayed in homeless-man-piss, band pages tangled in tumbleweeds and comments rotting, half eaten by rats.

Concrete Schoolyard

Shucks Blimey Double Dooley just when you thought 2014 was going to be riddled in 2013's sloppy-gunck, Jurassic 5 go and announce their official return and new tour dates for 2014!

Speaking of old-people rising from the musical-grave, don't stare, but Eminem recently turned 41. That's a 4 and a 1 next to each other if you suddenly went cross-eyed. Where have I been living? In a Kangaroo pouch? A lions cave? "Yolo'ing" casually with a pack of wild African meerkats? His past highlights reel for his life included: dissing fellow rappers, defending middle class white people and clang-banging ankles with under-attractive woman. Now? He's probably on the phone to his friends asking for the recipe for breadcrumbs. Jesus! Don't let me die in the linen aisle.

By The Cheese wheel Of Old Amsterdam

The only human centipede I could happily watch without vomming on my crotch is Ron Burgundy being the hot salami meat to a tasty tripod-Daft Punk-treat. This mouthwatering union not only makes one feel utterly worthless in comparison, but it just so happens to be our favourite moment of the MTV EMAs. Envelope yourself in the rest of our list here.

A chip off the old block

Referring to potatoes and pavements here. Biggie Smalls was denied an intersection named after him. Why! You may roar. Well, just blame the blob. The community board members in Brooklyn recalled his hue of criminal, misogynistic, violent and physically unfit ways as being unsuitable for being a role model. So let me get this right, out of that entire list, the media chose to focus on them calling him fat. "Come at me with a knife bro and I'll laugh at you, but a burger bro - get that devils weapon away from me!" World? You Are A Monster.


I bet Eminem has shingles. Here is this week's blinking-review of 5 tracks that are far from being the worst...

Not satisfied yet tubby-music-muncher? Well then tuck yourself into the folds of Soundcloud's belly for more:

I just deep-throated a Banana because Lily Allen made me do it.

Yours, ripe in season,