Hey, thinking of a new career? If you have no interest in music, especially of the live variety, then becoming a 'Pay-To-Play'€™ promoter could be just up your street. You need no integrity, little knowledge of bands and personal/communication skills can be left at the door. All this sound like you? If so, step into my office, baby.

First thing's first , why are you interested in putting on these kinds of gigs? If you'€™re doing it for the band'€™s benefits or for your own enjoyment and it;€™s something you’re passionate about, then you might as well leave now. They;re not important. What is important is that you make your money and make sure no-one else gets anywhere near it. So you're up for it? First thing we should discuss is what venue to use. Somewhere in a thriving city centre that already has a music scene? I don'€™t know what you'€™re thinking of. Those would be people interested in music. We don'€™t want that. I;ve got a perfect old converted warehouse, it;s about two miles from the nearest station and in a very quiet, secluded area...the local constabulary know it well. This is the kind of place bands want to play. It;€™s where that drummer from that Britpop band was caught with that lady of the night, a part of rock history there that any band would be thrilled to be associated with.

One of the main benefits from putting on gigs in this place is you won'€™t have to worry about security, the police patrol it quite often so that saves on costs. We don'€™t want many costs, the venue is also run very cheaply (no heating, no variety in drink choice) and we'll pay minimum wage to the bar staff. Remember it'€™s not up to us to bring a crowd. That'€™s what the bands will do. Oh, and we don'€™t need to bother putting posters up either. In fact, it's important the venue remains as inconspicuous as possible and that no-one would ever know that gigs take place there. We can'€™t stress this enough. Oh, next thing is to sort out a soundman...nah, you can do that yourself. What do you mean you don't know how? It'€™s only twiddling some dials up and down. It'll be fine!

So we have venue, staff, sound and police security sorted. Now what do we need? Oh, how about how often we will put on gigs, seeing as we have such a prime location. I suggest every night. Five-band mega bills with out-of-town bands on Mondays are bound to work. I guess we should look at booking bands now? Ok, so what you need to do is draw up a generic email template and send it to every band'€™s MySpace and email address you can find. Don'€™t worry about multiple sends or BCCing things. Bands love it when everyone can see their personal email addresses. Make sure that you make out how great an opportunity this will be to play your venue, and mention bands that have played in the same town previously. In small type at the bottom of the email, say how to successfully play one of your nights they will need to bring a minimum of 30 people.

When the bands play and inevitably fail to bring your stated amount, make sure you tell them what you think of their failed attempts at making a career for themselves, and how they will never succeed. Even if they are playing your venue 20 miles out of town two days after they have played a prestigious show in their hometown. Have no shame in blaming the bands for poor turnouts and take some pride in the fact you won'€™t pay them and have taken the £24 from the four fans they did bring. Put it in your back pocket in view of them. If a band asks for petrol, just ignore them. In fact, why should you talk to them the whole night if they ask for reasonable things, it'€™s not like the night is about them, is it?

Oh, I forgot to say, music fans adore nights where there is no crossover or correlation between the bands - multi-genre gigs are the best. You make sure that twee female duo are on between the hard-rock band and the ska-punk, oh, and also the later gigs like yours go on, the better, especially early in the week. You're in a win-win situation if bands bring the amount you tell them to, you take all that money, maybe drop them a fiver for petrol. If they don'€™t, it'™s no skin off your back as it was their own fault for not promoting themselves. You're now in a position to laud yourself as a successful promoter. Don'€™t worry that bands don't come back to play for you, that'€™s all because they won'€™t match the success of their first appearance, not because they felt they were treated poorly, had poor sound and played to no-one.

Alternatively, just watch this video and learn from the best: