A needlessly sardonic view on what's been happening in the technology world over the last few days, and more importantly, who's been screwing up...


The debate over the Prime Minister's quest to - well, we're not sure really - is still raging this week as Wikipedia's co-founder, Jimmy Wales and his giant beardy face, recognised largely for his intermittent online panhandling, made his views heard on child-porn.

  • Because ads on Wikipedia would just be, like, the worst

Quick recap, child porn is already illegal, there's no drive for increased enforcement, and the plan to stamp out child porn online is to put up a banner warning potential paedophiles that they're about to do something that makes them a paedophile. While this may have an entirely desirable outcome of preventing us law-abiders from accidentally becoming a paedophile, David Cameron's plan is the porn equivalent of saying to a heroin addict, "are you sure you want this heroin."

Before following it up with "you literally only need to click this button that says yes to get all the heroin".

While some commentators accused Wales of confusing the issue between porn filtering, and child porn itself noting that child porn would be blocked anyway. The accusation isn't entirely true – back when the drive was announced Cameron revealed that messages would be in place to warn a potential paedophile that the material on a site is illegal and that it could have repercussions such as losing access to their children.

But as Jimmy points out, paedophiles are likely to already be aware that they are paedophiles and will be largely unfazed by being told what they're doing is an act of paedophilia.

"When we use cases of a paedophile who's been addicted to child porn videos online, you realise all that Cameron's rules would require him to do is opt in and say, 'Yes, I would like porn please'," he says.

The solution is enforcement, according to Wales – money for enforcement, which does, we have to admit, seem the logical solution to someone breaking the law. Since when did subtlety prodding someone to do the right thing become a sensible route to a civilised society?

"What's clear is that companies building household appliances need to have security in mind just as much as computer manufacturers," said security expert Graham Cluley to the BBC this week.

  • Some things just don't need to be over-complicated

His comment was in reference to the wonderful story about a toilet that can be operated via smartphone.

Unfortunately, it's not only the owner that is able to operate it, thanks to a security flaw, it's possible for anyone with the app to move the seat up and down, flush the toilet, and causing "discomfort or distress to [the] user."

We could just appreciate this for what it is, a classic story about a toilet and its master, but there are a couple of side notes to consider. 1. If you're the kind of ridiculous person that would use a smartphone to flush their toilet, you probably deserve to be fucked with. 2. Considering whoever is fucking with you needs to be "nearby" to operate it, you should probably upgrade your house's security system, or at least check behind the shower curtain before you have a shit, and 3. We should really only feel sorry for the ‘security expert', imagine how many people more important than you would have laughed, before politely declining to comment. No doubt they've recognised the parallels between their life and an automated toilet. It's a bit shitty.

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Ever leading the pack when it comes to robots, Japan is all set to put one into space. And this isn't another Rover - it won't even be going outside. Kirobo, a derivative of the Japanese words for 'hope' and 'robot', or ho-bot if we're going to be immature about it (we are) is based on the character Astro Boy.

The 13 inch, 1 kilo robot is currently rocketing its way to the International Space Station along with 3.5 tonnes of other less interesting space stuff, and will take up a residence on board in anticipation for the arrival of Japanese astronaut Kochi Wakata, who will get there in November.

Kirobo has been programmed to recognise Wakata, communicate in Japanese, relay messages from the control room to the astronaut and to essentially act as his companion.

The robot also has a twin, Mirata, who will monitor any problems back on earth. Mirata said: "It's one small step for me, a giant leap for robots." Inspiring.

Meanwhile, all the other astronauts on the International Space Station were left wondering what the hell they'd done to make Wakata think that an android midget would provide better companionship than them.

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Elsewhere we have the one year anniversary of the Curiosity Rover's landing on Mars, and the project has been a huge success. Its on-board technology compiled of various cameras, avoidance sensors, dust removal tools, imagers and robotic arms costing around £2.5 billion. Hey guys, that's only the cost of 7575 beef burgers. It's also completed its mission to find evidence of extraterrestrial water, while also discovering traces of carbon-based materials. But in reality, we don't really know how much could have been achieved because the Rover spent the rest of its time taking selfies.

  • #YOLO

By Andy Price (Andyy_P)