A needlessly sardonic view on what's been happening in the technology world over the last few days, and more importantly, who's been screwing up...


This week started pretty well for Apple - the run up to the release of the iPhone 5s and 5c saw hundreds of their most loyal customers take camp outside Apple stores with an aching in their loins for fingerprint technology and 64 megabits. The queues fueled the usual stories in the press. Who are these geeks asked the Telegraph like it's still 2001 and nerd glasses and geek culture isn't actually a celebrity endorsed fashion empire, with a healthy niche line of porn thrown in.

Apple's press office probably thought they were on easy street. The stories are the same every year, but the beauty is they always get read. We're in the clear guys, it doesn't matter that that guy from the 405 said the S stands for shit - the Telegraph has our back!

Not even the iOS 7 rollout with its inevitable 49-hour download times could cause enough of a dent in the slurry of puff, piff, paff and piss pieces that continued to churn out of tech blogs and mainstream news outlets.

Even Android users pointing out that their system updates in about five minutes while they do their morning yoga didn't concern Apple. And they tweeted their comments. While their phone was updating. Imagine the luxury.

And it was only set to get better. Every year the stragglers, or the normal people that realise they should probably go to work that week instead, will turn up at 5pm only to find all the new phones had sold out. "The new iPhone sells out again!" scream the headlines keeping Apple's marketing and press teams in work for another 12 months.

I figure it goes down pretty much something like this:

The seasoned publicist struts around the office at Apple HQ. He's a pro - he used to work for an oil company that sold dead birds back to the bird farmers that originally set them free. "OF COURSE THEY'LL SELL OUT," he roars. "We didn't ship enough - don't you imbeciles ever learn?"

"Wh... what do you mean?" asks his underling, timidly.

"Every year we analyse the demand, we're Apple for christ sake! We ship less than demand so that every year it sells out proving we're super popular!"

"That's... that's genius," says the underling, enamoured by the seasoned pro's audacity.

"No it's not... it's marketing," he replies. [insert Mad Men theme tune here].

The problem is - you can only perform that same trick a number of times before people get realise you're playing a game. This year, it's starting to be reported a little differently. Apparently the iPhone no longer sells out on its first day, now its shortage frustrates networks on launch day. Apple's marketing team is losing its grip.

"Seasoned pro?" shouts Apple's marketing team's overly-confident new recruit with ideas above his station. "Seasoned prick."

The tides of Apple's fortunes have been turning for a while now, and it's been pretty noticeable. Following the death of Steve Jobs, the innovation that leaked from his ears every time he had them syringed has well and truly dried up - their radical claims become hollower with every launch event, and the news stories get slightly more impatient every year. Now they're putting out the networks by delivering far fewer iPhone 5s', while providing a plentiful supplies of the 5c.

There are many possible reasons behind the shortage, but Apple's insistence that everything is all gravy everywhere all the time feels more like denial that confidence in this day and age. Keeping networks in the dark is a careless move in the UK where the penetration of contracts is higher, making Apple's phones a more viable option than somewhere like the US, where pre-pay reins.

Analysts have been mulling over reasons for the low stock numbers with potential causes being a desire to encourage demand for the 5c, or that the 5s has simply been too production-intensive due to the finger-print technology. They'll also be painfully aware of the potential for security holes, which iOS 7 has already experienced issues with.

"I trusted you, Clive," said the seasoned pro's underling back at Apple HQ. "How could you let this happen?"

"I just thought... my kids, they're going to college next fall."

"Clive, don't be a kook, we're in England - it's university, and they're going there in the autumn," says the overly-confident new recruit, now overly-confident that his senior publicist was about to get the chop.

"I needed that bonus guys," says the seasoned pro. "I just thought... if I could get them to buy the 5c, and then the 5s as well, I'd get the money and everything would be okay."

"You want them to do WHAT? says overly-confident recruit getting all up in his grill.

"Well, if they queued up for hours and hours, maybe even days, and you got to the front and there was no 5s, then you wouldn't leave empty handed, right? You'd get the 5c so it wasn't a wasted journey. And there's loads of them!"

"Those poor geeks..." says the underling.

"Don't you get it underling!" Clive screams. "Geek is no longer a subculture - there are thousands of them. If they're going to queue up for days to get the new iPhone 5s and then have to go home with the iPhone 5c, well, the likelihood that they'll return and buy the 5s at a later date is hugely feasible. We're selling two phones to the same person guys!"

"Oh my god," says the underling. "You're a genius."

Everyone turns to look at the head of marketing who has so far remained silent behind his desk. His look is stern, his eyes unwavering. He stands up and walks over to where Clive is standing. A smile spreads across his face. "You did it, Clive!" he says.

He opens his arms and embraces the seasoned pro, as the whole office cheers. He hands him his bonus in the form of one of those giant charity cheques.

The overly-confident new recruit is deflated. He realises his mistake in questioning his superior and in an effort to make amends, he goes over and stands behind Clive. "Congratulations, Clive," he says once the cheering dies down. He holds out his hand in the form of a gesture. Clive looks down as everyone waits with baited breath for him to either fire him, or punch him in his overly-confident face. After what feels like an eternity, a huge grin crosses Clive's face. "Welcome to the team, overly-confident new recruit!" he shouts. "Just don't go getting ideas above your station!" - they lock hands amid another wild outpouring of cheers as the the senior marketing manager gives Clive a little nod.

Everything is in order, once more, at Apple HQ.

By Andy Price (Andyy_P)