NEWS JUST IN: Urban Outfitters is not, I repeat, is not the leading vinyl retailer! In a bizarre twist to an already weird story, Billboard reports that decidedly unhip bigbox internet behemoth Amazon, in fact, holds the highest market share in vinyl sales at 12.3%. Because of course it does. UO comes in a distant second at 8.1%. UO's claim of vinyl dominance hit the news cycle last week, and we here at The 405 were not a little bit nonplussed about the whole thing. But we ran the story, along with countless other publications, because when you get wind that the chief administrative officer of a large, successful, publicly-traded company shares a piece of information like that with Wall Street analysts, you tend to believe it.

Urban Outfitters Has Market Share on your Gullibility

It was foolish on our part, and on the part of other music and business publications across the globe, to take anything any representative from the company has to say seriously. After all, these are the people who said that Kent State sweatshirt with red splatters on it wasn't obviously a sick allusion to the 1970 massacre at the college, but rather "discoloration from the original shade of the shirt and the holes are from natural wear and fray." What will they think of next?! Or even worse, if we can't trust high-level executives from major corporations, who CAN we trust, you guys? 

But the sickest part is, that story, regardless of its veracity, probably drove vinyl sales for UO. Truth? What's the truth between people giving you their money, errrr I mean, friends. So I am taking it upon myself to give the corporate leaders of the world some talking points that are founded on absolutely nothing, but will definitely get them into the headlines so that they too, one day, might enjoy their undeserved moment in the sun. And, dear readers, you will be the first to know that they are utter horseshit. We won't get fooled again!

Sony Records: "Clive Davis invented the pompadour, birthed Bruno Mars."

Fast Food Chains: "Our french fries are higher in vitamin A than stupid kale."

Auto Industry: "Fossil fuel exhaust: the next big thing in rejuvenating skin care!"

Big Tobacco: "E-cigarette smokers are 82% more likely than regular cigarette smokers to contract syphilis."

Donald Trump: "I'm relevant."

The Gap: "We've been hawking 'normcore' for 45 years." (This one is actually true.)

There are about infinity things you could lie about, but the best lies are the ones that, in some small part, people want to believe. By telling their customers via the press that they have the highest market share in vinyl, UO branded itself as its go-to outlet, whether or not that's warranted. Capitalism, as in politics, is all about perception.

Good news for the little guys though, as the truth surfaces: as one major label rep told Billboard, "independent retailers are still the backbone of vinyl's growth, and they are still selling tons of it. Indies are driving the format's growth and everyone else is picking up on what they do." So, whew. But the bad news is, when someone like UO CAO Calvin Hollinger, with his big mouthpiece and $200 sweater made of re-purposed papier mache, steps up to the microphone, it takes a while for the feedback to die down and for people to make sense for themselves what is and is not true.

With that said, it's important to remember to stay open to whatever life hands you. No one likes a cold, insufferable cynic. But don't believe a goddamn word without that hard data. Hat tip, Billboard. We owe you one.