A couple weeks ago, I boldly ventured to instruct you on how to do something. I gave you step-by-step instructions on how to construct an engaging open letter. You may be asking yourself, who is this girl and why is she telling me what to do? Excellent question! I don't know what to tell you, I don't even go here! (For the record, I am a proud Brooklyn resident.)

The only thing I can say is that I have opinions, and the kind people at The 405 have been amused enough by these opinions to give me a soapbox to stand on from time to time. And now you're stuck with me because they've now given me a standing appointment with a soapbox, all about telling you what to do, or more accurately, making you better at things. I call it Upskilling. Specifically, I am here to upskill your musically-related life choices. After all, we all know how dangerous the wrong reaction to the wrong song at the wrong moment can be. Just...wrong.

I begin my examination very simply, in a situation we've all confronted: the dancefloor. When Arctic Monkeys famously exclaimed that they bet you look good on the dancefloor, chances are they were not talking about you. You are probably a goofy bastard on the dancefloor. But here are a few ways you can curtail the goofiness, blend into or impress the crowd (whichever you're going for), and who knows, maybe even find love in the club.


For the gents:

- You can't dance. Unless you can Dance, trust me, you can't dance. As far as warm up moves go, you're probably best off nodding your head and gently bending your knees to the beat. Maybe mouthing along with the song if you're looking to get more involved (unless it's Lady Gaga or that Icona Pop tune, then you 'don't know the words'.) Just, for God's sake, whatever you do, don't try to peacock. I don't want to sound like your mother, but you could hurt yourself doing the worm! I've seen it happen, it's not pretty. At least until you've had that third vodka tonic, stick to the basics.

- You probably aren't at this club for your health. You're looking for a lady. Please keep in mind that you should be choosing this lady with care; you don't want to spend all night striking out. Here's a tip: don't go for the girl flailing wildly in a big open space. Sure she looks like an easy target, and she's probably just as uninhibited in the bedroom as she is on the dancefloor, but that open space is there because that's how she wants it. She is not interested. Don't even waste your time unless you think you can keep up. Go for the girl grinding up against herself in a tight circle of other girls. She's probably out on a 'girls' night', which means she is definitely looking for a (dance!) partner. Just please, be a gentleman about it. Ask the girl to dance, don't just assume. That's gross.

- Once you've gotten these two steps down, you may be feeling bold. You may want to show off a little for your new ladyfriend. And you know what, once you've mastered the casual groove and dance partner choice, dammit you've earned it. Just one request here: be creative. The sprinkler, the shopping cart, and any exceptionally lewd movements do not count. When you do them, your friends are laughing at you, not with you. My best advice would just be to feel the music. Let it move you in unexpected ways. Use your feet! Shake it like a Polaroid picture! That bassline is there for a reason, and that reason is to move your booty. Trust me, your dancefloor girl will like it.


For the ladies:

- Just do your thing, woman! Let go, stop twerking, and don't stand for a dude trying to back you into a corner. Unless you want him to. In which case, game. On.


Conclusion:

Obviously I'm a little biased here. When it comes to the dancefloor, a lady can do no wrong. Men are just lucky to keep up. And if you're that special breed of male who is a natural, please remember what Spiderman taught us: with great power comes great responsibility. Use that power wisely, man.