"This is a war universe. War all the time. That is its nature. There may be other universes based on all sorts of other principles, but ours seems to be based on war and games. All games are basically hostile. Winners and losers. We see them all around us: the winners and the losers. The losers can oftentimes become winners, and the winners can very easily become losers."
- William S. Burroughs

After months of summer sporting successes, it's nearly time to readjust to the savagery, disappointment, shit tattoos, and general excess from our favourite spoilt, thick millionaires. Yes the football season is back, and despite this (slightly) unfair deep cynicism we're all excited. It only seems like yesterday that the ghosts of Alex Ferguson, Paul Scholes, Manchini et al took a step back from the Premier League - the climax of the 2012/13 season feeling like the end of Star Wars as the faded Yoda, Darth and Obi-Wan observe the transition of power to the new. But really, it does feel almost like Year Zero again right? Like a big monty python foot has come and stamped on a giant reset button. Which is maybe what caused this SKy Sport new presenter to fall off his ladder.

This is the first in a season-long column centred around football - an inaugural prediction league from The 405, that we've imaginatively titled The 405 Football Prediction League. The premise is simple: each Game Week we invite an act to predict that week's scores in the Premier League.

Any similarities to Lawro's Football Focus prediction feature are purely coincidental. Our winner will get the opportunity to soundtrack the poignant/hackneyed BBC montage for when England get limply knocked out of the Quarter Finals in Brazil next summer.*

Manchester quintet Dutch Uncles are our first ever challengers. We had a chat with primary songwriter Robin Richards prior to the England vs Scotland game on Wednesday night, where he discussed the alarming problems currently facing his team, Stockport County, and past heroes of The Hatters. In terms of his predictions the Spurs hammering of Premier new boys Palace is the biggest controversy; especially once we informed our Live Editor (who is a diehard Eagles fan.)

  • Gameweek 1 Predictions
  • Liverpool 2-0 Stoke
  • Arsenal 1-1 Aston Villa
  • Norwich 2-2 Everton
  • Sunderland 0-0 Fulham
  • WBA 1-3 Southampton
  • West Ham 1-0 Cardiff
  • Swansea 1-2 Man Utd
  • Crystal Palace 0-5 Spurs
  • Chelsea 4-1 Hull City
  • Man City 2-1 Newcastle

The rules:
Three points for an exact scoreline.
One point for a correct result.
Each act will play twice over the course of the season (think home and away if you prefer to adhere to football vernacular).

Out of Touch In The Wild by Dutch Uncles is out now

Hello Robin, where in the world are you at the moment?

I'm currently in our studio in Salford.

Nice. Right, the first question is quite simple; who do you support? And why, how did you come to support them and all that?

Okay, well I am a Stockport County fan, and, have been for most of my life… I'm a Stockport County fan primarily because I'm from Stockport, also my dad took me to see them when I was about eight or nine, and, yeah I've been hooked since then… unfortunately

Ha yeah tell me about, I support Middlesbrough so, yes I feel that pain.
So what are your predictions for Stockport this season? I must say I'm not aware what league they're in these days…

Well we got relegated again last season...


So we are now in the Conference North. Yeah, we've had three relegation in four years, it's been pretty… not fun

...Yeah pretty grim...

So it's been difficult to see a light at the end of the tunnel but, we're in such a position now in financial terms where we have to get promoted this season, or the future looks really bleak; it's the lowest the club has ever been. But… I'm going to be semi-optimistic and say we'll make the Play-offs… and say we'll finish fourth.

That is a positive outlook…

Yes, well I was optimistic last season, I thought we might get back into League 2 but it certainly didn't happen.

So why the demise, are there are a series of reasons, or financial mismanagement, or…

It's just really, really bad mismanagement off the field, so - we got promoted back to League 1 in 2008 and later that year - wait, we were in the Play-offs, looking at going back into the Championship and then we went into administration due to an unpaid tax bill of £300k or thereabouts. Ever since then it's been downhill really; we got docked 10 points that season. Then the following season we got relegated to League 2, then down to the Conference; soon after that we just stayed up and… well again it was really bad management by the board who brought in this new CEO who just made some bizarre decisions and completely ballsed-it-up again, and… deep sigh well, yeah!

Well, on a slightly lighter note after all that: who is your favourite player of all time?

I'd go for Jim Gannon. The first game I went to was when I was nine against Plymouth and Jim scored in the first minute, and we went on to win 3-1; and then he played for us for the next five years, he was a such a solid defender. We called him 'The Ghost' as he would ghost in and pick-up cheap goals every now and again as well. Them he was our manager when we had this slight 'freeze' from the doom a few years ago, so yeah he's just an absolute legend.

Watch the video of 'The Ghost here, featuring some euphoric 90's trance action from Chicane soundtracking the Stockport County hero.

Beautiful. Well that's pretty much it, I have your predictions already; our Live Editor is a Crystal Palace fan, and he's not going to be happy about the 5-0 drubbing you've predicted…

Ha ha, yes well it's weird Palace have got loads of ex-County players in their squad...

Oh really?

Yeah yeah it's a bit bizarre as they were all pretty average for us, and, you know…

...Now they're all in the Premiership...

Like Ricky Lambert as well - he used to play for County six/seven years ago and we sold him… actually no, released him on a free and he went to Rochdale and then it went from there; obviously he's playing for England tonight which is insane.

That's crazy, imagine if you had kept all this players, where you could have gone…

I know… but, maybe this season will be our season

Fingers crossed, I hope it all goes well - it would be good to see County back in the Football League someday

And I hope Middlesbrough get back to where they belong as well

Well I'm cautiously optimistic but… well, I remember one of the first games I went to when I was roughly six - I was really wide-eyed, optimistic, enthusiastic and all that; and there was this seasoned Boro veteran next to me, turns round to me and says in a broad Teesside accent and says "The Boro… they'll always let you down kid". And, that was my first memory, and sadly it's proved to be somewhat true.

Well, you had a pretty decent season until Christmas last year didn't you, and then it started to go wrong...

Hmmm it was very bizarre. It was frustrating not being able to work out why it happened, like there was no obvious catalyst like a player being sold/management change. Literally in the space of two games we fell apart and that lasted form January until May

Oh well, I guess it's a new season and venture now…

Absolutely yeah a new season a new start and all those cliches..

*100% Unofficial, but you have our word we will create such a thing

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