Last week's column was cancelled because I had a post Record Store Day meltdown and nothing made any sense. I can only apologise about that. It won't happen again.
Saying that. This week's column was almost cancelled after I read this and I had to have a sit down and think for a while. I took my friends advice and watched this and then I made a cup of tea and now it's now.
I can't really find any music that I like that is out this week so I figured I'd do the opposite and walk you through a bunch of records that I think are bullshit and harming. You people seem to get off on hate anyway. Which I don't get that at all. That's beside the point. Here are five terrible songs. Do with them what you will.
Disclosure - You & Me
Disclosure are everywhere. I've even seen some people I respect talking about how good Disclosure are. You have been told this is the SOUNDTRACK OF THE SUMMER. Frankly, it doesn't have to be, and it shouldn't be. Unless you particularly like this bullshit brand of pseudo-tech house/garage/freshly laid lawn/two kids/match of the day on a saturday with a tin of lager. In which case make it the soundtrack to your summer. Don't let me stop you. Fill your life with its derivative electro-pop awfulness. I'm sure that your quality of life will increase fifteen fold. I'm sure sailing round and round the high street and the car park near macky dee's feels so fucking cosmopolitan with this as a soundtrack. I expect grinding your dick on some stranger skank in some shitty four shots for five quid sticky carpet club full of date raping high school bullies sounds so much better with this as a soundtrack. So go for your life. Have fun. Tell me it's banging. Tell me it's smooth. Tell me it's so perfect for the summer. Please. Tell me you love it. Tell me you're up for it. Tell me whatever is on channel four at 10pm these days. Please.
Dingus Khan - Knifey Spoony
Whilst I can confirm that Dingus Khan are ok live I can also confirm that this is pretty awful music. The predominant feature of music should not be it's level of 'fun'. If anyone says otherwise then they do not like music. I don't care how that sounds to be honest ...and while I'm being honest, this sounds like some godawful quickly defunct 90s rock band bilge and it is certainly not any fun. Nothing in this video made me laugh or even filled me with a sense of anything remotely like fun. It made me cringe a bit and it made me try to pin down the name of the 90' band that used that screamy talkie technique throughout their two album career. I still can't. It doesn't matter. The point is this is not really fun and it's kind of like that band from the 90s that I can't remember because they are unimportant saw Goldie Looking Chain selling records and thought to themselves "I could do with some sales revenue". So they tried to make their unimportant awful music fun and quirky. But it wasn't fun, or quirky, or really even good. Sorry.
Daughter - Human
I quite like the album and I know that EVERYBODY loves this song right now and we're all empathising with it and just emoting feelings everywhere all at once. But we still bump into each other on the tube without apologising and this is still basically Dido isn't it.
Palma Violets - 'We Found Love'
This is awful. It's essentially rock music for people that watch Hollyoaks. Where every single action has to climax with some godawful happening. A fight or a robbery or someone gets raped or dies or someone gets married or someones shop gets burnt down or life hangs in the balance and nobody cares because we're all so numb to feeling anything because everything is always happening and it's awful and all consuming and it never stops.
Well life isn't like that and this isn't very good, it's not even no good, it's worse than everything else and if you like it you are wrong. I listened to this four times just to make sure and I'm considering jumping out of the window. I don't know what is stopping me to be honest. Probably the promise that not everything in this planet is as mind meltingly terrible as this band, everything they stand for, and everything they produce.
Hero - Raise It Up
Actually, this is the worse than that.
I'm unsure as to which I would rather be least. One of the utterly nondescript out of focus not-the-singer's, or the actual singer. It's videos like this that makes
the feminist the human being in me really, really angry. Can you just thrust at the camera please. It'll make you famous. Thanks.
Now I've actually used a strikethrough in a published piece of work I have nothing left. Not even the promise of something good to look forward to. I am lost in a pit of my own despair. I will never appreciate the goodness in anything ever again. I'm going to jump out of the window. Much like this man.
If you'd like your single reviewed on a future edition of 'Singles of the Week' I promise you it won't ever be like this again... or you have any tips for us, please email us. Please include a link to something embeddable (youtube video/Soundcloud/Bandcamp etc) and put the release date within the body of the email. Thank you x
Wil Cook is a fan of music. He is the Music Editor of The 405 and he cannot hide his severe dislike for writing in third person anymore. Leave your hate mail in the comments section.