Dear Sir or Madam,

I moved to London so that I could ritually skulk in the same bars as you. Hoping that the price of a drink will get my name known within your inbox. I change my look with the season, cutting my hair to trend, praying my face will fit in it. I laugh at all the jokes, rephrase old memes, trying my very best to develop some in-jokes with the influencers. I strive to be part of your creative elite. I build relationships based upon my desire to succeed. Directing my attention towards those that I think I can benefit from. I once paid to take part in an intensive football training course so I could join your 5-a-side league. I was no good at sports growing up. I thought sports were for bullying meathead fuckbuckets. I'll readily admit I was wrong. Having studied the nuance of sporting opinion online I can now tweet convincingly on the subject. Over the last few years I've realised that I am willing to do almost anything to fit in. To further myself. I'm a shapeshifter. I'm as much as I can be to everyone that will listen. I will cultivate your feeling of self-importance whilst belittling those you don't agree with until our clique is ridden with private musings and impenetrable to everyone else. We could be good together.

I want to be on the guestlist. I want the album first. It's just a status thing. I have to be invited, or I have to choose not to take part, there is no middle ground. God help anything I cannot brag about. Discrediting things like this is the easiest way to gain and maintain position. Y'know I can't help but think I deserve more for all this effort. After all this time struggling, I fail to remember why I didn't go into banking in the first place. I have to consolidate what I have though, and that means looking after number one, god help the youngsters when they start gunning for my role in this little party. I will take them down. Quick and dirty if they're ambitious and lack the contacts, or I can play the long game if you like them, brick by brick I'll ruin them. Quietly and relentlessly I will pursue my goals.

Look, I figure the honest approach is how to get your attention, so you know just how much I have given up in order to get this far. It takes a lot to move to London and network with you people. I had to leave my friends. Change my appearance. Pretend to be a fan of the terrible bands you champion (I am a fan of their corporate cards though). I had to force myself to like the things you do. Find really mundane shit funny. I had to be brutal with my writing, and cut out the one thing I had that was my own, my voice. I did it all to fit in, to be a part of something. I've done this for so long I think I've lost whatever it was I had. The other day I found myself nodding along to Miles Kane for christ sake. I am dedicated to our cause of mutual self promotion. Please, please, please give me a job at your publication. All I ask for is minimum wage and constant validation.

Kind Regards,

William Edward Cook esq

P.S Please see below my suggestions for Singles of the Week:

Temple Songs - 'I Can't Look After You'

Veronica Falls - 'Broken Toy'

Cheatahs - Cut The Grass

These singles are exactly the type of safe bet that we should be championing. The perfect "high octane" mixture of popular formulas from the past. The kind of youthful exuberance that we should push the kids to aspire to. After all, who needs change? Who needs forward thinking? It's much easier to put things into the boxes of old and play them off against each other, using tried and tested methods. Promote everything we find easy to understand, categorise, and control. Keep it exactly how I remember it. When things were easier. When I didn't have to make rent and watch my back. When my ambition didn't outweigh my talent. But that's enough about me.

You like this sort of thing don't you? You don't want it to ever change because this is exactly the sort of thing you like. You wear the same pants every day of the week. You follow the same routines. You drink in the same bars, chase the same type of girl, watch the same television shows. You eat the same thing every night of the week. This is exactly what you want from music. It's what you've always wanted from music. You are excited aren't you friend? Wednesday is your favourite day. Wednesday is Ham, Egg and Chips night.

If you'd like your single reviewed on a future edition of 'Singles of the Week', or have any tips for us, please email us. Please include a link to something embeddable (youtube video/Soundcloud/Bandcamp etc) and put the release date within the body of the email. Thank you x

Wil Cook is a fan of music. He is the Music Editor of The 405 and he cannot hide his severe dislike for writing in third person anymore. To prove that no-one reads this bit, here is his personal twitter account to aim your abuse at.