Once again Beulah Maud Devaney is taking a Vommercial Break to berate the best and worst adverts on TV. Categories are heavily prejudiced and nominations are welcome.

If you'd like to send us your thoughts/nominations, please email us at hello@thefourohfive.com.

Happy viewing.


Worst Music - Baileys ('Black Water' by Apparat)

Yeah I know what you're thinking - we got a bit overexcited about 'Black Water' when it came out, and at least it's not a ballsed up version of 'Tainted Love' (see Samsung below). But no. This is Baileys and Baileys is your nan getting squiffy in front of the Christmas tree, watching that bit in Witness where Harrison Ford stops wearing a shirt. It's not sultry choco-maidens lapping baileys out of each others belly buttons. Know your audience Baileys and stopping dicking around with my Christmas feelgoods.

Biggest Premonition of the Apocalypse - Sure

Sure explain their anti-reality motion sense technology "the more you move, the more it protects," then it shows a load of guys sky diving and BMXing and all that other lad stuff that ladz do to get their #truelad sweat on. All well and good when your main activity is rock climbing but watch out!

The next time you're on a bumpy bus ride into work the motion sensors are bound to be set off, and Sure will creep out and extract and suck every drop of moisture from your body, via your armpits, until all that's left is a hollow husk.

Picture a world of men, housebound and gently rocking back and forth, waiting for their Sure deodorant to wear off so the can pop down the shop without having to use the neighbour's cat as a skateboard in order to keep that motion sense technology happy. No one wants that.

Most Meh - Herbal Essences

Nicole Scherzinger tells us how much she loves Herbal Essences as using it transports her back to a "revitalizing world" which she eventually becomes ruler of because shampooing her hair and walking around in a backless dress makes her hulk out and "Bee Strong". This is naturally all set to Misc Quasi Oriental Music Disc Two.

At no point in the advert does the shampoo go anywhere near her head. In fact, Scherzinger isn't once pictured in the same room as a bottle of HE. She's game enough to let them pour some milk on her head, to stand near a shower and to lie down for a bit, but at no point does she interact with the product.

The whole thing is reminiscent of the tales of Sarah Jessica Parker on the Sex and the City set taking a bite of a cupcake and then spitting it into some lackey's napkin. As Herbal Essences contains the same chemicals as they use to strip car engines (lauryl sulphates) and the tag line is "it does beautiful things to your head" (like melt it), Scherzinger's distaste is completely understandable.

Most Annoying - Samsung

This was a contender for worst music as 'Tainted Love' pretty much only works in its original form, or when covered by Marilyn Manson, but it's the puppets that cinched it for 'Most Annoying'.

A woman is inspired by all the technology around her to create an elaborate puppetshow for passers-by, then it's revealed that duh-doy, all the different technology was actually in her phone! There's nothing advertising does better than painfully over elaborate upon an already belabored metaphor, and this is a fantastic example.

Allow me to just get a little academic here (it's been pointed out that this column could deal a tad more in semiotics): these puppets are clearly Samsung having a public moment of self-knowledge and admitting that we are all consumer puppets. With capitalism pulling the strings, our senses are tugged and tweaked by the phone companies whenever they think we might actually just be happy using our phones and not thinking of new ways we can ejaculate more money into their pockets.