Now that it's been the festive season for 2 months and Christmas for at least 3 weeks, this column is going to give up any pretence that we're not all cramming mince pies (expiration date: 28th November) down our holly-decked holes and crack on with a series of reindeer rankings, santa sortings, frosty fixings and merry mullings (warning: good-will makes me crack open the awful alliteration).

Holiday Horrors: Sainsbury's Orange and Cranberry Christmas Pudding

Don't you just hate it when Grandpa starts telling a story about being in the Navy and it ends with you being required to chow down on a sheep's bladder?

The grandfather in this this advert is reminiscing about the chef setting fire to the Christmas pudding when he was at sea during the war. Everything seems very cheerful and jolly but in the background mum is draping a haggis with orange squash. I'm not sure if this is a cruel attempt on her part to embarrass him or if this is the food that won us the war, but either way it's got no business being in a Christmas advert.

Frolicsome Festivities: Aldi "Mince Pies"

A (welsh?) man sits in the garden as his daughter builds a snowman behind him. He says he likes the two boxes of pies in front of him which are revealed to be different prices. He then turns around and realises his daughter has encased her brother in a prison of ice. And suddenly everything gets a bit too real.

Putting aside the fact that we won't have enough snow before Christmas to hold a mouse hostage (come at me snow!), let alone a child, we've all known for a while that children are pure evil; it's time advertisers start mining this rich vein. We've had evnough of bumbling dads and nagging mums. Bring on the children of Pangbourne!

Merry Mary - Daily Mail "Mary Berry"

Mary Berry takes down the Daily Fail from the inside by clearly signally where their hatred of the poor and needy comes from (a desire to shore up the prejudices and pensions of elderly Tories) and by creating a recipe for ice cream Christmas Pudding. The image of EDL members attempting to set fire to their ice puddings on Christmas day should thrill us all enough to make up for once again having to hear the words "soggy bottom".