I think it's about time i sat down and watched this movie, instead of slating it without even having seen it.

cloverfield film

I'm nervous. Since The Blair Witch Project there have been little to none successful movies made that revert to the raw P.O.V hand held digital camera style. I'm apprehensive to say the least.

-5 minutes in and I'm wondering how people giving individual goodbyes to characters we haven't even seen on screen yet is supposed to set an atmosphere. Oh wait, here they come and every thing's still exactly the same. For a Horror movie there seems to be a distinct blasé attitude toward the slowness of it all.

- 10 Minutes in and I've lost all direction, my eyes are watery from the nauseating camera work that is all scarily intended! I no longer know who the main character is and everyone seems far to caught up in who had sex with who. I may as well be watching Jeremy Kyle.

- 20 Minutes in and all the lights have gone out. Both on screen and in my head. Things may have started looking up but an oil tanker capsizing really doesn't make you want to shit your pants. Did I speak too soon? A hail of meteorites, sees everyone running...outside. Apparently common sense didn't make the final cut of this film. As a film maker myself I know how terrible a handy cams audio pick up can be, but this films disregard for continuity means you'll have to listen to the whiny guttural Holy Shit's and Oh My God's with great irritation.

-30 Minutes in and "high stricken panic" is aided in the form of one ambulance. Total death toll so far, 2. 10 million people live in New York City and going by this movie, they all survived and in the most casual of manners have begun walking across this bridge, which suddenly looks like its collapsing now and yes were still filming. By this point I'm wanting to punch the guy holding the camera in the face. I'm far too angry to be scared of some unforeseen force that's doing a terrible job in destroying New York. He's just so chilled out about the whole thing. Hello? Have you heard of Godzilla?

-35 Minutes in and our semi main character Rob is strolling down the streets determined to get to the bottom of all this. It's always good to feel like you can relate to a certain character in a film and right now I'm feeling Rob's pain! Suddenly were caught in the middle of a war zone, military troops begin unloading their weaponry on this camera shy "monster". News just in "Jason's dead", bringing our Total death toll to 3. Who was Jason?

- 40 Minutes in and our cast of brave young souls have decided to take to the underground railway line as a means to an end. Very reminiscent of Creep. And just like that were attacked by some mean ass, pissed off creature from hell, who definitely gives our surviving crew a run for their money for the first time. Hats off to the SFX on that one but not even that can over look the fact that no one told this idiot how to use White Balance.

- 50 Minutes and one of our characters chest explodes. Cool. Total death toll, 4. At least i think thats what happened since running with a camera never really gives you that crystal clear shot now does it. So basically, Robs girl is trapped somewhere. But what I'm really concerned about is whether were recording on slow or long play.

- 60 minutes in and I think we found Rob's girl, as well as another one of those Star Ship Troopers type aliens. The city is now on the verge of combustion and our crew are trying to make it to the safety of the last Military helicopter. But you didn't think it was all gonna end there did you? Our helicopter crashes, and whats most impressive is how our camera man manages to still keep filming whilst dragging Rob from the wreckages by his hands....

OMG OMG OMG!.....oh. And the award for worst on screen monster goes to...Cloverfield.

- 70 Minutes in an our ammeter camera man is dead. Suprisingly he still has his head, after being killed by an Alien that's probable form of murder could only come from decapitation. Total death toll, 5. So what exactly do you do when you're all out of luck and you don't have a chance in the proverbial hell you seem to be standing in? You do what Rob did. You turn the camera on yourself and you cry you little heart out about it. Shame Rob didn't have a gun handy. Shame I didn't have a gun handy.

So it's finished. 73 minutes and I'm still none the wiser as to why Alien Invasion took place and why we had to follow Rob and his Scooby Doo gang of friends around for an entire hour with there being no absolution to the story at the end. For a disaster movie, Cloverfield fails in portraying the meaning of the word, with a laughable 5 deaths. There were more deaths in Watership Down.

Cloverfield could've set the bar for this type of medium in the film industry, but it fell flat on its face and embarrassed itself. It had the potential to be the predecessor of the simplistic and effective Blair Witch, but the hugely over thought concept of this film, has made the narrative an on screen mess.

Though if it is any consolation to myself, at least my hunch was correct.