Director: Ron Carlson Link: IMDB Some may think film critics have one of the most enjoyable professions on the planet. As someone with firsthand knowledge on the matter, I can indeed tell you whoever believes that statement is undeniably correct. Trust me, I count my blessings every day that I’m able to say my favorite hobby is part of my job. Not too many people can actually claim that they unconditionally love their line of work, but I am truly one of the lucky ones, and I never take it for granted. (If you would’ve told me 10 years ago that I’d be getting a paycheck to view and critique films I would have dismissed you as a delirious lunatic.) No matter how stressful and hectic my week gets with my other duties at the paper, it’s comforting to know I always have my movie reviewing responsibilities to look forward to. When I plop down on that comfy theater seat it’s like a less-expensive form of therapy. I can forget all about my troubles for approximately two hours, and when I leave the multiplex I feel refreshingly invigorated. (Writing the reviews can be just as therapeutic.) But every so often a film will come along that is so terrible, so excruciatingly painful to sit through that I contemplate giving up my dream job and quitting watching movies altogether. The unbearable and atrocious Midgets vs. Mascots can now be included in that select group of films that makes prostate exams seem appealing. When I wrote my first review over four years ago I made a promise to myself that I would never walk out of a movie before it ended. I have always figured it would be unfair not to see a film in its entirety because then you really couldn’t give it an honest assessment. Midgets vs. Mascots is the closest I have ever come to breaking that pact. It’s a miracle that director Ron Carlson’s movie is just under 90 minutes, but I checked my watch so many times in that hour and a half that I could’ve sworn the minute and hour hands were literally moving backwards. It’s bad enough that Midgets vs. Mascots is virtually unwatchable, but what’s even worse is it completely insults your intelligence. Right off the bat we are informed that during the filming of the “documentary” several people were hospitalized, many laws were broken and everyone was arrested. The film even goes so far as to tout itself as a cross between “Borat” and “Jackass.” None of those claims could be further from the truth. Part of the allure of “Jackass” and “Borat” is they both are unpredictable and put unsuspecting people in awkward situations, but most, if not all of the footage in Midgets vs. Mascots is staged (If it wasn’t I would be surprised.), and you know the actors are never putting themselves in danger. The film also tries so hard to be offensive that the humor easily crosses the line of pathetic, and the jokes are so outdated that I remember hearing most of them in high school 15 years ago, and even then they were not that funny. As much fun as I’ve had picking Midgets vs. Mascots to pieces (Believe me, it rightfully deserves every scathing word.), I guess it’s about time to reveal its flimsy plot, so here it goes: When multimillionaire little person-turned-mascot-turned-pornography mogul Big Red (Rick Howland) passes away following a long bout with cancer, his arrogant yuppie son Little Richard (Mark Hapka) and his gold-digging, adulterous third wife Bonnie (Brittney Powell) think they’ve hit the jackpot. But in a video will Big Red lets it be known that he wants to give back to those who were dearest to his heart: midgets and mascots. So, Little Richard must coach a five-person team of little people (Gary Coleman plays himself) and Bonnie must coach a five-member team of mascots in a 30-challenge competition, with the victors receiving a cool $10 million. (Each person in the winning group gets $1 million and the coach gets $5 million.) The setup is unveiled fairly early in the movie, so most of the time is spent on “behind-the-scenes” interviews, humorless pranks and the uninspired challenges, which include riding a mechanical bull, drinking games, door-to-door sales, chugging gallons of milk, alligator wrestling and seeing how many insults it takes to get punched in the face. (But like I said earlier, since almost everything looks prearranged, nothing is remotely comical.) As Midgets vs. Mascots came to a close I couldn’t help but think of a certain quote from “Billy Madison” when the principal addresses Adam Sandler’s character after he tries to answer a question that deals with reflections of society in literature: “Mr. Madison, what you've just said is one of the most insanely idiotic things I have ever heard. At no point in your rambling, incoherent response were you even close to anything that could be considered a rational thought. Everyone in this room is now dumber for having listened to it. I award you no points, and may God have mercy on your soul.” After watching Midgets vs. Mascots I think my IQ must have dropped about 30 points. I can only hope the big guy upstairs will have mercy on my soul. Rating: 0/10