Director: Jason Friedberg and Aaron Seltzer Release Date: 15/10/10 Link: IMDB If the ultimate purpose of a comedy is to make people laugh, what would you call a film in that particular genre that isn’t the least bit funny? You could call it Vampires Suck. That shouldn’t come as too much of a shock though, considering this pitiful excuse for a parody is written and directed by the humor-challenged Jason Friedberg and Aaron Seltzer, who have already littered the world with such malodorous refuse as Date Movie, Epic Movie, Meet the Spartans and Disaster Movie. Knowing Friedberg and Seltzer’s deplorable track record, I decided to conduct a little test while watching Vampires Suck, a spoof of the popular Twilight saga. With a notepad and pen in my hands, I devised a plan to scribble a slash on the sheet of paper in front of me every time something in the film made me chuckle out loud. Well guess what? When Vampires Suck was over, there wasn’t a drop of ink on my notepad. Not a single one. You can label me as a curmudgeon or say I have no sense of humour - I really don’t care. Any insult you hurl my way will not be nearly as painful and agitating as the experience of having to sit through the repugnant Vampires Suck. It’s not like I have any faith in Friedberg and Seltzer’s comedic abilities, but it’s especially pathetic that their latest film is so terrible because Twilight and vampires in general provide such an easy target. But Friedberg and Seltzer couldn’t hit the broad side of a barn if it was 3 feet in front of their faces. It’s one thing that Vampires Suck is completely void of anything resembling comedy, but what makes it even worse is the screenplay from Friedberg and Seltzer is so lazy and unoriginal it doesn’t even seem like they are trying. (Near the beginning of the film two groups of tweens representing Team Jacob and Team Edward go blow for blow with such weapons as axes, shovels and planks of wood. I know, groundbreaking stuff.) Vampires Suck does have a little more structure than Friedberg and Seltzer’s previous travesties to cinema, but that’s only because they recreate almost every scene in the first Twilight entry while adding in poor attempts at humour. Friedberg and Seltzer really need to realize there is a huge difference between satire and just making a reference to something, but since they haven’t learned this by now after five movies, I highly doubt they every will. Vampires Suck basically follows Becca Crane (Jenn Proske, making her big screen debut) as she moves to the fictional mountain town of Spork to live with her single father (Diedrich Bader) who is having a hard time coming to terms with the idea that his daughter is growing up. If you have seen Twilight already you know how the rest goes from here. Becca starts to fall in love with a mysterious vampire named Edward Sullen (Matt Lanter), but her life gets even more complicated when she also begins to have feelings for Jacob White (Chris Riggi), who just might be a furry werewolf. Who will she choose? Does anyone care? Even though Vampires Suck does have a bit more focus than I was anticipating, Friedberg and Seltzer still resort way too often to their bread and butter of throwing in out-of-place pop culture references that have nothing to do with the material they’re trying to mock. (Among the many celebrities who are lampooned are Lady Gaga, the Jonas Brothers, the Kardashians, Taylor Swift, the Black Eyed Peas, Chris Brown and the gang from Jersey Shore.) The only decent thing to come out of Vampires Suck is the performance by Proske, who kind of looks like a cross between Twilight star Kristen Stewart and Evangeline Lilly of the television series Lost. Proske has Stewart’s mannerisms down perfectly, and her portrayal of the Twilight heroine is the lone aspect of Vampires Suck that is slightly amusing. But still, Proske’s notable performance doesn’t make up for the fact that Vampires Suck, which is easily the worst film of the year so far, is a slap in the face to anyone who has ever shelled out cash for a movie ticket. Friedberg and Seltzer should really be ashamed of themselves. With so many Hollywood studios struggling to stay out of the red, it completely baffles my mind that these two sad excuses for filmmakers are continually able to get movie executives to green-light their projects. But I guess most of the blame should be directed toward the young teenagers who pay to see these abominations. If these films didn’t make money, they wouldn’t be made. It’s as simple as that. So here I am, down on my knees, begging you not to go see Vampires Suck. Who knows? If we can get enough people to stay away from the theatre, maybe we will finally be able to rid ourselves of Friedberg and Seltzer once and for all. This is our most desperate hour. Help me, moviegoers. You’re my only hope. Photobucket